Have you ever entered a relationship and tried to be the version of yourself that fits the other person best?
We might say that we are flexible. That distance is fine. That we like to travel. That we do not need to be together all the time. That we are spontaneous. That we can just take things as they come.
And then a few months go by.
Suddenly, that damn everyday life is back in the relationship.
And the real person begins to show.
That does not necessarily mean we have been deliberately lying. But perhaps we have presented our wishful thinking as the truth — both to ourselves and to the new person in our life.
And I think this is one of the reasons why many relationships look so promising in the beginning — and still fall apart when everyday life returns.
Over the past few months, I have been digging quite deeply into dating and digital communication. I have talked to people, discussed different topics on social media, read, written — and yes, I have also tested some of the theories in practice by dating a few handsome and very capable men.
And one pattern keeps coming back: We often show too little of our real everyday lives in the beginning.
If those of us who have lived a little are going to succeed in finding a compatible partner, we need to dare to show more of ourselves earlier.
And if we want a better chance of getting it right, we simply need to ask better questions early on — both of the other person and of ourselves.
Not only: What am I looking for in a partner? Does he tick the boxes on my list?
But: How much time do you actually want to spend together? How much time alone do you need? What do you imagine holidays and family life looking like? And what in your life are you genuinely willing to rearrange if this becomes serious?
There is a fairly good chance that one person will say what the other one wants to hear — and that both of them may regret it later. 😂
And if we do not tell the truth fairly early, these relationships can easily become revolving-door relationships that do not add much meaning to our lives and are unlikely to last very long. Unless that is exactly what you want, of course.
It is not necessarily that we sit there on the first few dates deliberately lying. We may genuinely believe that the distance will not bother us. That four children and eight grandchildren will be absolutely fine. That seeing each other every other weekend will be enough.
We do not necessarily lie when we meet someone who seems interesting and right for us. We simply become very optimistic on our own behalf when we like someone.
Chemistry is not the same as compatibility.
Chemistry tells you that you want this person. Compatibility tells you whether the two of you can actually build a life that works.
So yes, I definitely think we rarely ask the right questions when we start dating.
It is easy to ask yourself whether the person sitting in front of you is the right one.
The harder question is whether the life that comes with that person is right for you too.
So perhaps we should spend a little less time showing the other person how perfectly we fit together — and a little more time finding out whether that is actually true.