Many grown men miss having a woman in their lives.
One man I interviewed put it very clearly.
“I would like to have a woman in my life, but sometimes it feels like it costs more than it gives. Too much stress and drama.”
So I had to ask him: “Do you actually want a relationship — or do you just want a woman who fits into the life you already have?”
He put down his fork and did not really answer the question. Instead, he said:
“Well, it is nice to wake up next to a woman. Have breakfast together. Maybe share a bottle of wine in the evening.”
In many of the conversations I have had with men, I get the sense that they do want closeness and someone to share life with. But I do not always get the impression that they want to change very much about their own routines and the way they already live.
Because everyday life comes back. And when it does, it quickly becomes clear how much room the man actually intended to give her.
The problem is not necessarily that men meet the wrong women.
Sometimes they meet a woman they really like. She is attractive. Smart. Independent. She has a life of her own. She is fun to be around. She does not need to be rescued.
It all sounds perfect.
Until they discover that an independent woman actually has an independent life.
And then comes the question: How much of our own lives are we actually willing to rearrange so that she can have a real place in them?
I will come back to that.
Because once you have lived for a while, you have probably got quite a lot of your life sorted out.
You have your job. Maybe your house. Your cabin. Your boat. Your training. Your friends. Your children. Perhaps grandchildren. The holidays you usually take. Routines that work.
You know where you are going to be at Christmas, what you usually do on Sundays, and who you would rather watch the football with.
And then she arrives. Of course, she has a life too. Her children. Her girlfriends. Her interests. Her home. Her plans.
And it is easy to think: This will be fine. We will figure it out. We will take things as they come — as long as she is there when I wake up in the morning.
But it sounds much easier than it actually is.
Because love is not only about finding a woman you like. It is also about getting two fairly well-established lives to work together.
And I think that may be where many men underestimate the work involved.
You may often say that you want a woman who has a life of her own.
You just do not always want that life to get in the way of the time you want with her.
And this is where I think men can become quite contradictory.
They want an independent woman. But they also want her to have time when they have time. Most men like the idea that she has girlfriends and interests of her own.
Perhaps just not when she keeps choosing them on the evening he had imagined she would spend with him.
I have heard this many times.
Men want a woman who can take care of herself, but who still needs them.
They want to keep their own freedom, but they are not always quite as enthusiastic when she needs just as much freedom.
Suddenly, it becomes complicated.
Maybe you have children you want to spend a lot of time with. Of course there should be room for that.
But she has children too. Maybe grandchildren. And suddenly there are two families, two Christmas plans, twice as many birthdays, two sets of holiday wishes and perhaps quite a few miles between your homes as well.
Who moves?
Who changes their priorities?
Who says no to something they have always done?
And perhaps you are sitting there thinking:
“I have already built myself a good life. Why should I turn everything upside down now just because of her?”
That is a completely legitimate question. But she may be sitting there thinking exactly the same thing.
And if both people want love, but neither of them really wants to change anything, it can become very crowded very quickly.
Because maybe the problem is not that she is asking for too much. Maybe she is simply expecting to have a real place in your life.
And that is something different.
It can be easy to say: “She is too demanding. She wants to see me too often. She expects too much. She does not understand how important my work and my interests are to me.”
But sometimes it is worth asking: Is she really demanding — or did I simply imagine that she would fit neatly into the spaces between everything else?
Those are not the same thing.
So I do not think the most important question is: “Is this the right woman for me?”
The more difficult question is: “What am I actually willing to change in my own life if I want this woman to stay?”
Because if the answer is: Nothing. I want to keep my holidays, my weekends, my family life, my friends, my training, my work, my time at the cabin and all my routines exactly as they are.
Then it is worth asking whether you actually want a relationship — or whether what you mainly want is closeness and companionship without having to rebuild very much of your life.
Maybe you simply want company when it suits you. And that is allowed. But it is worth being honest about it.
So if you are a man who wants a real relationship, I would ask myself a few fairly simple questions.
- How much time do I genuinely want to spend with a partner?
- How much space am I willing to give her in my weekends and holidays?
- What am I prepared to do differently simply because she now exists in my life?
And do I actually want to build something together with her — or do I expect her to fit into what I already have?
Because there is a big difference between inviting a woman into your life and creating a life together with her.
This is exactly what I explore more deeply in the e-book How Do We Make Love Last? – When Both People Already Have a Life They Don’t Want to Lose.
Because love in adulthood is not only about feelings and chemistry. It is also about space, priorities, freedom, and whether two people are actually willing to build something that belongs to both of them.
If these are questions you recognise yourself in, you can find more about the e-book in the description below the video.
And if you like these kinds of honest conversations about men, women, dating and love in adulthood, you can subscribe to the channel.
Because this was the man’s side of the story.
In the next video, I am going to talk about something else that both men and women can do when we really like someone: We start saying yes to things we are not entirely sure we can actually live with.
Or to put it another way: Maybe we are not lying. Maybe we just become incredibly optimistic on our own behalf when we like someone.