We women sometimes say that we would quite like to have a man in our lives.
But sometimes I wonder if that is actually true. Not because we don’t want love, or the occasional dose of passion, but because love comes with something we don’t talk quite as much about: it takes up space. And once we finally have our lives back, how much space are we actually willing to give up?
Because the problem is not necessarily that we keep falling for the wrong men. Life has definitely taught us a thing or two about what to stay away from.
I think there may be a much more honest, and much more difficult, explanation. And there is one question I think we should ask ourselves long before we start wondering whether the man we are dating is the right one for us. I’ll come back to that later in this video.
We women have become very good at explaining why love doesn’t work. We choose according to old patterns, we fall for the same kind of man again and again, we ignore red flags, we carry wounds from previous relationships, or perhaps we simply struggle to let anyone in.
All of that can, of course, be true. But I think there is something rather important we overlook as we get older.
We have built ourselves a life. The children have grown up and mostly manage perfectly well without us. We have our own friends, our own interests and probably a home we actually enjoy living in.
We decide what we want to eat, when we want to eat it and where we want to be.
We can travel with our girlfriends or travel alone, work when we want to, and watch ten episodes of a Netflix series without anyone asking whether we aren’t going to bed soon. And if we are tired at half past nine, we go to bed.
It is actually rather lovely.
That doesn’t necessarily mean we have given up on love. Many of us miss having a man in our lives. But if we are completely honest, perhaps what we miss is not always a traditional relationship. And how many of us would happily go back to sharing our bed with a man night after night after night?
What we probably do miss is someone to share new experiences with. Someone to go walking with, have dinner with every now and then, talk to, argue with, solve the world’s problems with, laugh with, curl up next to sometimes, have sex with and be silly with.
A man who loves us, whom we love in return, and who becomes an important part of the life we still have left to live.
What I think many of us are secretly afraid of is that he will turn into another full-time job.
And that is where things start to get interesting. Because then the man appears. Chances are, he is actually handsome, kind, intelligent, capable and genuinely interested in us. You would think that should make everything easy. But no.
Because he has a life too. Children, perhaps lovely grandchildren, friends, ex-partners, traditions, holiday plans, a house, a garden, interests, habits and a job.
He has his own baggage, good experiences and bad ones, perhaps health problems, things he misses, things he longs for, and probably a few traumas of his own. Just like us.
At the same time, we have usually managed to create a rather impressive list of what this man needs to be able to do.
He needs to be independent and cope with the fact that we need time alone.
He really should have interests of his own, so he doesn’t just sit there waiting for us, or even worse, keep asking when we are going to be finished with whatever we are doing. He needs to know how to communicate, because we really cannot be bothered spending three years teaching a grown man how to talk about what is happening between us.
He needs some confidence. He needs to take initiative. He needs to be able to help when we need him without us having to write the job description first.
He needs to feel secure enough to give us freedom, but interested enough that we actually feel wanted and loved, preferably as if we are the only woman in the world he really wants.
He should absolutely have a life of his own, just not such a full life that there is never any room for us when we need him.
And when I hear myself saying all of this out loud, I think: poor man.
Because what exactly are we asking him to do? We are incredibly contradictory.
We want a man who has built himself a good, independent life. A man who has done well, created something and can stand on his own two feet.
But at the same time, he needs to be willing to move parts of that carefully constructed life around when we suddenly arrive with all of ours.
And of course, the same applies to us. Because this is not really a women’s problem. A grown man can want love and still be every bit as unwilling to change his own life.
He has his children, his cabin, his boat, his friends, his work, his training, his holidays and his routines.
And then he wants a woman who will somehow, almost magically, fit herself into the spaces between all of that.
So there you are. Two people with two fully developed lives. He has his. You have yours. And both of you want love, attention, care and passion. Just not too much disruption.
And I think that may be one of the reasons why this becomes so difficult. Attraction is not enough. Good chemistry is not enough. Physical attraction is certainly not enough. And it isn’t even enough that he is a good person.
Two people can care deeply about each other and still have lives that simply don’t fit together very well.
And this brings me to the part I think we talk far too little about: perhaps we don’t always fail in love because we choose the wrong person. Quite often, we fail because love requires more rebuilding of our lives than we are actually willing to do.
That doesn’t mean we should give up our freedom. And it certainly doesn’t mean we should adapt ourselves until we barely recognise who we are anymore.
I have done quite enough of that in my own life, and I suspect many of my girlfriends have too. But at the very least, we need to be honest about what we are actually asking for.
Because if I say, “I want love,” but what I really mean is, “I would quite like to have a man around at the times when he fits conveniently into the life I already have,” then perhaps the man is not the problem. Perhaps I need to understand what kind of relationship I actually want.
And now we come back to the question I promised you at the beginning. I don’t think the most important question when we meet someone is: Is he, or she, the right person for me?
I think the question is: What am I actually willing to change in my own life if love comes along?
And he needs to ask himself exactly the same question. Because if both people answer, “Nothing,” then where exactly is the relationship supposed to live? It becomes his life and my life, with a few nice weekends in between.
And perhaps that is exactly what both people want. If it is, that is perfectly fine. But if we want something more, then I think we have to create a third thing. Not me moving into his life. Not him taking over mine. But both of us being willing to spend enough time building something that belongs to us.
Our way of being together. Some plans. Some dreams. Some experiences. Something that becomes our shared project. Some priorities that exist simply because this other person now exists in our life, and because we would quite like them to stay there for a while.
Perhaps that is where love in adulthood becomes difficult. But perhaps that is also where it can become rather beautiful.
So if you are single and you say you would like a partner, I wouldn’t only ask: What kind of man do I want? I would ask: What do I actually miss, specifically? What am I no longer willing to give up for a relationship? And what am I genuinely willing to make room for if I meet someone I truly want to keep in my life?
Because perhaps love in adulthood is less about finding someone who fits perfectly into the life you already have, and more about meeting someone who makes both of you want to create room for something that wasn’t there before.