I often hear men say that they want an independent woman.
A woman who has a life of her own. Who can take care of herself. Who has friends, interests, a job and her finances in order.
It sounds great. Until she actually behaves like an independent woman.
Because what does “independent” really mean when we use that word about a partner?
Does it mean: “I want a woman who has a life of her own”?
Or does it sometimes mean: “I want a woman who doesn’t demand too much of mine”?
Because those are not quite the same thing.
Her independence isn’t really challenging when she is simply taking care of herself. It becomes challenging when her life starts colliding with what you want from her.
So what does it actually take to make a relationship work with a woman who doesn’t organise her life around you? I’ll come back to that.
Let’s say you meet her.
She has a job. Maybe children and grandchildren. She works out. She travels. She has female friends she actually spends time with.
She has her own home. Her own family around her. And sometimes she’s busy even at the weekend.
And to be honest, she doesn’t send you twenty messages during the day.
Sometimes she doesn’t send you a single one.
Everything she says and everything she does shows you that she is actually doing pretty well without you.
And that can be very attractive.
At first.
Because she seems free. Confident. Low-maintenance. She doesn’t come into your life expecting you to take responsibility for her happiness.
Perfect.
But then something happens.
Suddenly, you have Thursday evening free.
And she has already made dinner plans with a friend.
You want to go away for the weekend.
She is visiting her children.
You want to see her.
She says, “Not tonight. I already have plans.”
And suddenly, the independence that seemed so attractive in the beginning can start to feel very different.
Part 2
Because maybe what you wanted wasn’t simply an independent woman.
Maybe you wanted a woman who could take care of herself when you were busy – but was available when you had time.
And that is a pretty important difference.
I think many of us confuse independence with convenience.
We like the idea of a partner who doesn’t cling to us. Who doesn’t need constant reassurance. Who has a life of her own.
But someone who genuinely has a life of her own is also going to say no to you sometimes.
She is going to choose other people and make new plans that don’t always include you.
Sometimes she may even prioritise herself over the relationship.
Do you still want her independence when it also limits your access to her?
Because if she is truly independent, her life doesn’t begin when you show up.
She wasn’t sitting around waiting for you before you met.
She had a life before you.
And if the relationship is going to be healthy, she should probably keep a lot of that life too.
That doesn’t mean she will never prioritise you.
Of course both people need to prioritise the relationship if they want it to grow.
But she can’t only be “independent” in the ways that are convenient for you.
You can’t say, “I love that she has a life of her own,” and then get annoyed every time that life clashes with yours.
You can’t say you want a woman with strong opinions and then only like those opinions when she agrees with you.
You can’t say you want a woman who stands firmly on her own two feet and then feel disappointed because she doesn’t need you in quite the way you imagined she would.
And maybe there is something important in that.
Because many men want to feel significant.
I understand that.
But there is a difference between being important and being necessary.
An independent woman may not need you to sort out her life.
But she can still choose you.
And maybe that is actually an even greater declaration of love.
Because what is more valuable?
That she stays because she can’t manage without you?
Or that she has a life she genuinely likes – and still decides that she wants you in it?
The second one may ask a little more of you.
Because then it isn’t enough just to be useful.
She doesn’t necessarily need your money.
She doesn’t need your house.
She doesn’t need you to fix her life.
She needs to feel that you bring something into her life that she genuinely wants there.
Closeness. Safety. Humour. Care. Conversation. Desire. Calm. Adventure.
That you are actually the person she looks forward to spending time with.
And that can be more demanding than simply being the man she “needs”.
Part 3
So maybe the question isn’t:
Do you want an independent woman?
Maybe the question is:
Can you handle her being independent even when her independence doesn’t suit you?
When she says no.
When she can’t see you.
When she already has plans.
When she doesn’t automatically rearrange her calendar because you suddenly have some free time.
When she doesn’t need your permission.
When she disagrees with you.
And when she expects her freedom to be just as natural and important as yours.
Because if you want her to have a life of her own only as long as it never interferes with yours, then perhaps independence isn’t really what you want.
Maybe what you really want is a woman who is easy to fit into your life.
If you want a woman who is accommodating, adapts herself to you, admires you, and structures her life around yours, then you don’t actually want an independent woman. And those are not necessarily the same thing.
So if any of this feels familiar, you might want to ask yourself a few questions:
What do I actually mean when I say I want an independent woman?
Am I comfortable with the fact that she won’t always be available when I want her to be?
Can I genuinely appreciate that she has a rich life that doesn’t revolve around me?
And perhaps most importantly:
Do I want to be part of her life – or do I want her life to be organised around mine?
Of course there has to be a balance.
A relationship where neither person ever prioritises the other won’t become particularly close either.
But surely the goal cannot be for one person to have freedom while the other one is expected to stand ready.
There has to be room for two people.
This is closely connected to what I write about in my e-book How Do We Make Love Last? – When We Both Already Have a Life We Don’t Want to Lose.
Because adult love isn’t only about finding someone.
It is also about how we handle two people’s freedom, habits, needs and already established lives when we actually begin to matter to each other.
You’ll find more about the e-book in the description below the video.
And if you enjoy these kinds of honest conversations about men, women, dating and adult relationships, you can subscribe to the channel.
Because in the next video, I want to look at something else we tend to do when we really like someone:
We say yes to things we may not actually know whether we can live with.
Not necessarily because we are lying.
But because we can become incredibly optimistic about ourselves when we really want to make a good impression on someone.
Ny avslutning
This is closely connected to two of the e-books in The Inner World of Men – What Men Don’t Say.